I think if you looked at my life from an outside perspective this year would have looked really, really amazing. But what you see isn’t always what it seems. I started posting on a regular basis but then I stopped. I stopped because my motivation became nonexistent and I was depressed. I spent a lot of time living in the past and living in the what if’s instead of the moment. But the funny thing is about time is once it’s gone you’ll never get it back. I had to take a step back, reevaluate people, my life and what I wanted out of it. It was only once I began talking to someone that I realized I have a voice that I don’t use. I don’t speak up when I’m sad or even when someone has done something to hurt me. Once I found my voice I started to find myself.
I learned that silence is not meant for those who have something to say. I have lots of things to say and I will never let someone silence me again. I am more important than someone’s hurt feelings; feelings heal just like wounds. But carrying the weight of my problems and the problems of others and the weight of this world is not so easy. Not speaking up when I have something to say is even harder. I’ve found that when I say how I feel without any limits or fear that I have nothing to worry about. But I’ve noticed when I have something to say and I don’t I immediately start getting anxiety from being so frustrated. It’s the worse feeling in the world because my heart starts beating fast, it feels like someone’s sitting on my chest and I struggle to breathe. I refuse to feel those things again if I don’t have to.
This year I still want to accomplish many new things. I want to find me and the meaning of this messy, crazy ride I call life. I want to run full force into the unknown and not be afraid to find out what’s on the other side. I want to make my bed an option not a choice because when depression strikes it’s the first place I run to. I want to begin and end every single day not worrying about where I’m going to end up but enjoying the moment when I get there. So from this day and many more days to come I choose to ignite that flame within me that use to burn so bright. I choose to speak up and when I can’t find the words that come close to how I’m feeling I’ll paint a picture of them. I’m going to wake up each and everyday and be thankful for this life that I’ve been given.
It happened and I look back on all the time I’ve wasted but I’m more than thankful for the time I have right now to fix myself and make me better.